China 101 Lesson 1: A Beijinger's Crossing Guide

Because traveling throughout Beijing requires that one rely heavily on public transportation, knowing how to navigate to bus stops, train stations, and parked cabs on foot is an essential skill for the everyday Beijinger. Therefore, this lesson will teach the reader how to cross the hazardous streets with ease, expertise, and the ability to avoid sudden death.

The pedestrian must keep in mind that the streets in this immense, fast-growing city are teeming with various types of vehicles, whose drivers are not wont to give any type of deference whatsoever to travelers on foot. In fact, many of these drivers are behind the wheel for the first time (as one can quickly see). Though some experts have likened it to darting across the path of a herd of stampeding bulls, the reader need not be nervous. Following these steps can make the learning process smooth and “incident”-free.

Step 1: Approach the point of crossing. For the most part, this might be an intersection or a street corner, but, as the city blocks are rather long, most seasoned pedestrians opt for crossing at any point that suits them.

Step 2: Stare at the street. For formality’s sake, just give the impression that you are planning your crossing carefully so that, in the event that you do get hit, you will have a convincing argument to shout at the flustered driver, who will no doubt get out of his vehicle and start shouting at you. Note: this step does not require you to look left then right, then left and right again, as many foreigners do. Literally, you need only stare at a fixed point on the street in order to complete this step successfully. 

Step 3: Make your move. There is no exact formula for timing the start of the actual crossing. After approaching the point of crossing, staring at the street, and standing there for a period of time, the spirit will soon move you, and you can begin your traverse across the highway in a seemingly arbitrary fashion to those observing you incredulously.

Step 4: Do NOT deviate! All around you there will be cars, trucks, buses, bikes, motorcycles, trolleys, and scooters coming at you in a massive wall of honking horns and exhaust fumes. You might be tempted to keep an eye on the on-coming traffic and dodge the many vehicles as you make your way to the opposite sidewalk. However, it is of the up-most importance that you DO NOT DEVIATE. Keep your eyes fixed on the ground in front of you, refrain from taking a glance out of the corners of your eyes, and keep on a rigidly straight line until you reach your destination. Do not speed up or slow down to adjust to the perpendicular traffic. Instead, keep at an even pace as if you are taking a relaxing stroll through the park. You will find that, against all odds, you will suddenly arrive at the curb unscathed and with all your limbs intact.

Step 5: Ignore bad examples. Living in Beijing, you might come across some crazy-looking people who may frequently be seen screaming and running through intersections in fear of being hit and killed by a bus or clipped by a cyclist. These are usually expats and foreign students, and the general term for this type of specimen is laowai. The laowai have curious habits of their own, and it is best to leave them to their ways and not follow suit. If you are still at Step 2, you may choose to stare at them instead of the street (it is all the same in the end) to observe their idiosyncrasies, but, during Steps 3-4, simply ignore them. They usually manage to get across eventually.

Congratulations! With this first lesson, you have gained a fundamental skill that all natives of Beijing possess. Now, all you need is a small dog trailing behind you without a leash and the ability to summon up and launch giant wads of mucous onto the street, and you will be well on your way to becoming a true citizen.